Rant and Rave

Alone In My Darkness

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Soundtrack “Coming In The Air Tonight” By Sierra Eagelson

She’s like me, she loses herself in the dark things, the sad things, the unexplainable things

Like the thoughts that arise in her, when staring up at the canopy of wish-less stars

She beholds it all with awe and wonder, wanting to feel connected to someone or something, or maybe to all things

She has reverence for the fragile things, only to watch them shatter and fall through her heart

All people will let you down, thank god for the loyalty of a dog

She’s fearless, she digs deeper into the places where others choose detours

All seekers are loners, except for the company of their cats

People are vicious, unpredictable and for no apparent reason will suddenly turn on you

She and I hold hands with each others shadow, we’ve fumbled about, finding ourselves alas within one another

She’s like me, she hates liars, mean people, hypocrites

And all those zealots who nail others to their faux pious crosses

She’ll confront the mean spirited, but then become sick of it all, throwing up both her hands

Silence becomes her amor, but she whispers beautiful things in my ear

Her words are warm and damp, tickling a place deep down in my belly

Like me, she becomes sick of the fight, there’s just too many comatose people

It’s been too long, to feel this empty, this lonely                                                                                                         how it had always been before her

She’s my last chance, suspending reality with her magic, my final faith in humanity                                             I don’t want to ever let her down,

If I should ever lose her, it’d once again be just me, alone in my darkness

Abuse Me

Soundtrack, “Everything I wanted” by Billie Eilish.

Livingroom is quiete
Bedroom is silent
I need somebody
Who’s not afraid to say they’re sorry

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

Moon owns the sky
Sun has gone to bed
I need to escape
These voices in my head

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

I don’t want your reasons
I don’t need your lies
I need somebody
Who’s not afraid to cry

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

You’ve wasted all my time
You pretended that you knew me
What I thought was love
You took as a license to abuse me

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

When promises fade
When your favorite memory
Is the love
we never made

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

I just wanna be alone with you
Like we use to be
Being alone without you
Doing bad things no one see’s

My door is shut
My window is closed
Screaming at the top of my lungs
But nobody knows

Love and Death

Attached is a PDF of a play entitled “Love and Death”. I’m looking for help in getting it produced as a play or a screen play. If you are interested in helping in this endeavor please respond to this blog. It’s defiantly an unconventional, quirky and “one of a kind story” that begs to be told.

As always, I’m open to re-writes, additions and omissions. The final product is to be a collaborative effort of the director, actors and the writer.

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Please hit the link below to view the PDF——-

Love and Death-the play

Owning Your Days

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Soundtrack “Burst Into The Air” by Ruston Kelly

Where have all our good morning gone
Where have our goodnights gone

We sleep on our assigned side of the bed at night—-separated by long lost pleading desires
And we fuss and fight over the nothings that slowly evaporate a love

What’s happened here, what of all those brave forever words spoken all those years ago—till death do us part—–Who’d of known that forever could lose it’s grip like oil sliding through ones desperate hands

You can live with someone you no longer love,
But you can’t live with someone you no longer like

Missed opportunities, living without, so quiet, like bodies that go untouched for years
Mornings and nighttimes, consume what’s left of this fleeting life

The first snow, of another, coldest of seasons—- on this divided journey
Sometimes it’s better to say nothing, rather than to be wrongly accused or predictably misunderstood, I’ll need to scrape the ice from my frosty windshield

morning coffee, in my favorite worn out slippers
my cat asleep in a sunbeam, the clock ticks at me
my favorite part of this trip is having nowhere to go
And nothing to do, it takes courage to own your days

I’m no longer sorry, I’m not even mad
Now I’m only sad for our poor excuse
of what we’ve come to agree upon
as to what’s love
Her voice sounds like a stranger
such an angry tone of someone I no longer know
My heart bleeds

Time is short, lifetimes pass quickly
Such a waste, what a waste

My lazy cat yawns
I’ve come to understand him
So at peace in his solitude

Good morning my love
Goodnight my love

Incentives and Indiscretions (room for shame)

Spoiler Alert:

The earth is not flat
Our sun is not at the center of the universe
Cigarettes are bad for your health
*Climate change is real*
Continue reading →

Fred

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Soundtrack “Just For The Record” by Ruston Kelly

Dear Jeanne,

Thanks for the invitation to attend Fred’s celebration of life event. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend. On August 3rd I will be thinking of you and Fred. Fred was a rare breed, a man of principle, integrity and one who always made a stand for the less fortunate. In these troubled political times we could use more activist and hell raisers like Fred. He was a force to be reckoned with and one not to be trifled with. I’ve always been a sucker for uncompromising son of a guns and men who go down swinging.

He loved his family, enjoyed his beer and was a damn good fisherman. Fishing is a great sport for a beer drinker, cause there’s plenty of downtime waiting for a bite that can be filled with relieving one’s thirst—-“If ya know what I mean” heh heh. A wise man needs time alone staring at a rushing river to watch the passing of time. He can once again find himself there—————so I’ve been told.

I think of you and your family often. I spent many a hot summer day at your Briar Lane home, swimming in your pool, hanging out and cracking stupid jokes——(somethings never change). God, weren’t we some of the fortunate ones to have grown up there within those loving walls of our Briar Lane neighborhood. Sometimes when I go back to Yuba City I cruse by the old neighborhood and put the pieces of “then and now” back together for a moment. When I was young my mom use to shake her head and say “Where does the time go?”. I too don’t know where time goes, but I know that it only knows one direction, forward——-with or without you.

Thanks for being such a good role model and a tolerant adult durning my squandered youth. You were an excellent teacher, therapist, and a strong woman who’s priority has alway been family first. I fondly consider you to be my second mom and me your insolent step-son.

So, have a great day reminiscing about Fred and all the things that made him unique and special. I’m not sure if I was anyone special to him, but I do remember him planting a few lip locks on me that kind of took me by surprise (damn near made me question my sexual orientation, heh heh). He surely wasn’t one to hide his emotions, and that I respect. So much wasted time spent worrying about what others think. Life, like love has a precarious shelf life, so curse the assholes and kiss those who bring ya smiles. And Fred, god bless ya and your ability to make us smile and cause the conservatives to stammer and become a-gasped at your choice swear words……I can hear ya now saying “Fucking hypocrites”. You’ll be missed, but we’ll carry on as you’d expect us to do.

I’ll leave you with this quote I like by Charles Bukowski and one I believe Fred would appreciate.

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

Love Victor
AKA Brud

Amazing Grace In Reverse (exploding popcorn)

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Soundtrack “Son Of A Highway Daughter” by Ruston Kelly.

I messed up again, got drunk and pissed everyone off, let myself down with a thousand discarded and broken pledges, I’m wanting morning light at this 3:03 am, its the darkest of corners to turn in the middle of the night, the sheets have become untucked and tangled, the room is stuffy and hot, I’m mad at the likes of me for being a poor version of what I might have been, I’m pleading with the dark shadows and demons to stop coming round and convicting me with a movie reel on repeat, revealing me and all the stupid shit I’ve ever done, my sanity meter is starved for another quarter, for a shard of clarity——the walls are closing in=====Oh my god, where are you now, my holy ghost has gone MIA

I’m nervous all the time, my breath stale beer and bitter nicotine, people can see through me, I never learned how to be coy or clever, my bravado has caved in, I’m teetering on being too far gone to come back again, I no longer belong anywhere or to anyone, everywhere I go I feel out of place, people stare at me like I’m a two headed monster in a nickel and dime freak show——can’t you see, that under all this ugliness it’s still me

I’d call you, but at this hour it would be a selfish thing for me to do——-I wish I’d never worn you out with my rants and ramblings, I’m afraid I’m gonna drag you down with me—— a drowning man with arms flailing, we played hide and seek one too many times with our emotions, and what was once found is now lost. it’s Amazing Grace in reverse——-I’m sorry I painted you into my landscape, you’re far too pretty to be sketched within the same canvas with the likes of someone like me

Holy shit,

People want to choose relationships the same way that they pick out corn on the cob. They secretly peel back a small portion of the husk and take a quick peek to see what’s on the inside. They take a hurried look around to see if anyone is watching and then hastily decide if it’s a keeper or a throw back.

I wonder what becomes of the cobs that have been discarded and left behind, their husk pulled down exposing all their flaws, for all the world to see. Maybe some are fed to the pigs while others are sent to the popcorn factory.

And now you know why popcorn explodes—–

Wasting My Life

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Soundtrack “Mercury” by Ruston Kelly.

When sitting at a extra long red light, do you ever wonder if perhaps you’re wasting your life
When standing in the chips isle, struggling to choose between Doritos and Barbecue Chips, have you ever found youself questioning if maybe you’re wasting your life
When lying in bed with the snooze alarm going off for the third time do you ever conceive of the notion that you’re probably wasting your life
Have you ever sat in a crowded bar watching everyone laugh, flirt and drink and come to the conclusion that you’re possibley wasting your life
When sitting in front of your big screen watching the same commercial for the third time, have you ever pondered why you’re wasting your life
Sitting silently in a cluttered break room, have you ever decided that you’re definitely not doing what you’d like with your life
Have you ever sat on a couch in the middle of some big party filled with laughter and loud music and despise the idea of wasting your life
Have you ever traded three hours of inebriation for a tomorrow that guarantee’s a headache, sour stomach, a worn outness and once again it leaves you questioning why you’re wasting your life
Has your life ever felt like a grainy B movie with no plot, or a corny country song about a broken hearted cowboy and you find yourself humming along to the soundtrack of his wasted life
Standing in a long line at DMV waiting to renew your vehicle registration, have you ever viewed yourself from above and watched as you wasted away
Sitting on a squeaky pew in an empty church, crumpled up and praying for faith only to find that my guarding angel is refusing to circle, Jesus is busy choosing the next big lottery winner and the fucking silence of it all grows ever more deafening

Have you ever found yourself watching the news, different day, different names, but the same old bullshit and ask yourself why does everyone seems to be wasting their life away

While waiting in a huge line at Starbucks to pay an exorbitant amount of money for a fancy coffee, I suddenly become shocked by the insanity of it all
Does anyone else suffer a similar craziness to it all?????
I pump gas, pay bills, feed the cat, do laundry, shop, cook and clean, only to find myself tearing another month off my calendar

Have you ever walked into another room and forgotten what you came there for, and this is what wasting my life feels like

Amongst all the nothingness of me, I see us flying kites on a windy day and the green field smells of freshly cut grass, the blue sky stretches out to the Sierra Nevada foothills—–and your dress blows up in the wind and it makes us laugh. We let our kites go and I kiss you and it feels like I’m cutting all my strings. And for that small moment, all the nothingness of you and me no longer matters to anyone or anything……

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