Infidelity, what side of it are you on? Are you the cheater or the cheated? My best friend has been calling me and telling me how he is no longer in love with his wife. The situation is a bit of a cliche. He has fallen in love with his office mate. She’s half his age and very flirtatious.  She wears short skirts and tight blouses. When she bends over the file cabinet he swears he can see the full moon. He speaks about her as if she is an angel sent from heaven. The relationship has incrementally grown into a full blown affair. This is the stage where infatuation creates clouded choices and blind predilections. You begin to believe that you’re the first and only person who’s ever felt the adenine rush of being in love.  

He can’t stop speaking about her. “She’s sexy.” “She “gets me”.  “She’s my soulmate”. “I’ve never felt like the before”. “I’m going to marry her”. “She loves me, and I love her.” Warning, the word “love” can be a slippery slope. It’s frequently misused and means different things to different people. It’s malleable and disregards common sense. It’s a masquerade, a mirage. It’ll cause those old bones to rattle from a flood of testosterone. Before you know it, you’re ordering the old man’s drug “Viagra”. 

In the beginning you share life stories. You share dreams, aspirations and heartaches. She starts siting a little closer to you. She lets you smell her perfume. You nervously respond with grinding hugs and gentle caresses; incrementally crossing lines of appropriateness. You write one another passionate texts, sharing favorite songs, exchanging promises and intimate suggestions. You’re like a teenager discovering a fist love. The sky opens up and a choir sings. You get goose bumps just by holding her hand. The love songs on the radio seem to be composed specifically for you. 

It’s the small things that breakup a relationship. It’s the slow gnawing away of loyalty and trust. Love without trust leads to broken vows and broken hearts. You unwittingly become strangers to one another. Once you’er married the passion is consumed by the endless housekeeping tasks that need to be done. There’s no longer time for the fun things that hold a couple together. It becomes a business partnership. Everything feels like a chore. Bills need to be paid. The car needs fixed. The faucet leaks. The mortgage and home insurance are due. Sex is a routine that feels more like an obligation rather than an expression of intimacy.

Who’s gonna throw out the garbage? Who’s gonna do the laundry? Who’s in charge of the finances? Who’s gonna decide what’s for dinner? Who’s gonna do the dishes? Who’s gonna feed the dog? Everything seems to be collapsing and falling apart around you both.

The cute little chick at the office doesn’t have to share in all these boring mundane tasks. She doesn’t have to figuratively or literally scrub the stains out of your shorts. She keeps you hanging on by allowing you to play grab ass. Everything is fun and exciting. But beware, there ain’t no fool like an old fool.

Love, everyone wants to feel that way again. To feel alive and excited, to be touched and to feel the touch of another. How long should a love last? Does it have an expiration date?. In time, all those little annoyances accumulate into an excruciating sense of resentment. The romance is siphoned off as the hard-work of trying to remain in love with someone becomes fatiguing.

In time, your perfect lover no longer seems so perfect. They’re petty, selfish and predictable just like the rest of us. They’ll roll over and fart, they’ll wake up with bad breath, they make weird faces when having sex, their opinions are stupid, they dress like a slob on weekends, they no longer look at you with that look of excitement. The fuel of love sputters and evaporates. It feels more like a trap and less like a dream come true.

Just as it’s the little things that break up a relationship, it’s also true that it’s the little things that keep a relationship alive. As the saying goes, “love is a verb” it requires action. It’s wrapped up in all the little boring gestures like patience, forgiveness, understanding, listening, being heard and sharing in all the victories and loses that this life will dish out. 

There’s no counseling or magic drug that will resurrect a dyeing love. In the end, it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it. Is it worth fighting for, or is it a lost cause?

In spite of the hazards, we still choose to fall in love. We dive in heart first into a lake of fire. In this crazy life we all crave intimacy over complacency. We all want to feel immaculate, sexy and valued by our partner. But we’re only human, with all of our flaws, faults and blemishes. It’s a package deal, you have to take the good with the bad, because that’s the way it is. Introspectively you ask yourself, does the good outweigh the bad? Are you expecting too much, or too little out of love?

In the end, love is having fun with someone, it’s that simple. It’s spending time with someone who make you laugh, who make you feel alive, who make you feel like you matter. Settle for nothing less.

I’ll leave you with a riddle.

You know why they call it love?

Because all the other four letter words are already taken.