She was crying, crying so very hard, and it almost sounded the same as hysterical laughter——It was a sound steeped in deep emotions. Emotions are strange and uncontrollable but never wasted. She had the fading foundation of a woman who in her younger years was pretty, No, not pretty—-She had once been beautiful. She’s my Sad Autumn girl. Getting older is rough, even more so for a woman. Losing ones attractiveness is a cruel trick of time. There’s no punch line, just laughter and tears——and we all live somewhere between the two? Kindness is more attractive than beauty right there and then I wanted to change my life We all want to We are all Afraid to live Afraid to die some days leave us feeling like forever
Somedays will never be forgotten somedays show us what we’re made of It would take all my strength To beat back the darkness When did it get to be so hard Maybe nothing and no one changes Or, maybe it’s only me who changes I don’t really know anyone Anymore
And no one knows me
I prefer it this way I wanna figure it out On my won I miss everyone Everything hurts Nothings easy anymore How do I carry on I just want something Something to hold on too But something is so hard to find I’m lost in the wonder of it all and it makes me cry and laugh living somewhere between the two
Lately I’ve been thinking about tears. There’s a variety of tears. There’s the garden variety sad tears. There’s angry tears, mad tears, frustrated tears, tears of laughter, broken hearted tears, tears of joy, tears of gratitude. But the worst of all tears is the ugly tears. They come at night when hopelessness surrounds. They come in the hollow hours of timeless time, like a collapsing bridge between being to late to be evening and yet to early to be called morning. It’s the hour of shadows creeping though darkness, black on black.
Ugly tears come from a dark retched place deep within ones crumpled soul. These tears come out with this god awful sound of great despair and unspeakable sadness. It an ache that’s inescapable like a jagged knife ripping through bone and tissue. It’s a bad night that knows no end. It causes the face to contort, whence then wrinkle into a clenched fist. No words come out, just a high pitched sick whining sound, like a coyote with it’s leg caught in a trap. It’s the sound of someone choking on raw suffering. Everything is stifled and muted and of no use. All that remains is a wounded indescribable wailing. Salty tears trace down your cheek, strings of slobber drool from your lips.
It’s sick tears, its trying to not “let go tears”. Maybe it’s like puking your guts out. You heave and gag and feel your skin crawl. You feel yourself covered in a cold sweat. Why is it so hard to let go of the broken pieces?
But after the dry heaves subside, suddenly you feel relieved. Ugly tears wash the hurt away. Sometimes you have to put your finger down the throat of your soul and empty yourself out. There’s a knowingness that things can change. But ya gotta hold on. The sun is peeking beneath the horizon. You’ve made it through another mortal night. No more waiting on the sunrise. They say take the body and the mind will follow. Make no mistake, we all must fight to preserve our sanity.
Take your body to places that nurture goodness, kindness, a place where smiles incubate. Don’t be ashamed to shed your tears. To be alive is to touch all the emotional basis. Don’t be one of those who stifles laughter or hides their tears. Feel, Feel Feel. That is what it is be alive. Take your clothes off and sit in the sun and let it’s warmth and light replenish you.
Buy a harmonica or a Kazoo. Learn to play a ukulele. Be a storyteller, who surprises you with an unexpected punch line. Cause life is a punch line. Roll down your car windows and play some John Prine on your car radio. Let it all go, the laughter, the tears the brokenness. Lean into the day and wake up slowly letting the day quietly unfold. Enjoy your own company, be your own best friend, Most importantly is find reasons to smile=====take the body the mind will follow.
I intended on telling you everything But forgot too Neglected too Didn’t think I needed too Thought there’d always be time for reminiscing About the Mundane Sometimes Insane Flickering memories Frozen in golden amber All these things Seeping from our possessed hearts
I wish I’d told you How important you were to me That you were Irreplaceable But now you’re gone Except for Scattered Life scraps Listen I’m sending you these Gossamer Visions
About the things we once believed in Like
Fast cars Hot unapproachable girls Nihilism and god The absurdity of it all Beer runs Soul searching Serious confessions Nervous laughter Blinding truths Music and poetry Secret battles Lost faith Dark drives Riding in your beat up car On cold December nights Dim headlights Leading us nowhere Peering at life With all its illusions Playing our drunk and stoned Out of tune guitars Comparing life notes Life messes Life lessens Opportunities missed Abandoned promises Posing our questions Having flashes Of momentary clarity
Time sneaked up on us Here then gone How could have we known The inevitability of it all If given a second chance I’d play it differently But you’re gone And it’s too late And there’s nothing worse than Being too late And you, like most of the holly things I value I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you But I do
There are words I wish I’d said. But I always told myself there’d be time for words, 26 letters assembled into some future confession of love. But tomorrow is never guaranteed——-the future is a theory, an algebra problem where x doesn’t always equal y——a law of physics that can’t explain the speed of loneliness. But it takes courage to say what’s often left out because it’s so much easier to comment on the weather. Why is “I love you” a secret tattoo hidden beneath your long sleeved heart. I tell myself, “Oh it’s obvious, they already know how I feel.” But that’s bullshit I feed myself. Do you ever check to see if your emotional Fitbit has reached your quota of kind words required in a day? Why is it that anger and petty complaints come so much easier than kindness and compassion? These emotions are stuck on mute in a movie with no subtitles. It’s easy to mistake a deep kiss for a vampires siphon, like that feeling you get from someone who’s always taking, but never giving back. But then, without warning, there are those who’s humanity walks me back from the edge. Things I wished I’d said, “Jackie Gleason was right, baby you’re the greatest.” “I’m so fortunate to have you in my life”. “You make me laugh, cause you’re the only other person I know who’s favorite movie is ‘Herold and Maude’”. “Thanks for ‘getting me’.” “You make ‘goodbye’ the saddest of all words.” “Thank you, thank you, thank you for being you.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that poetry is ‘nice’, because it’s not, it’s a clumsy coping mechanism to escape the chains of depression. It storms the tower and breaches the walls of isolation. It doesn’t make everything okay, but it makes the darkest hours of the soul tolerable. Tolerable?—–Thinking too hard, feeling too deeply, is a road leading to a cliff just beyond the horizon. I put my thumb over your wrist until I feel your pulse match mine, we gradually fall into a comfortable rhythm. The heart is a muscle because it takes so much strength to reach out to another. Things I wish I’d said, “I choose you.” “If I had to be quarantined for the rest of my life, I’d want to spend it with you.” “You make me wish I were a piano, cause your touch makes me feel like music.” “You make me believe everything is gonna be okay, one moment at a time”. “You’ve always been there for me and I’ll always be there for you.” “You stood up for me when the ones who I thought would give a shit just couldn’t be bothered.” “My heart will always be your 7-11, a bit shabby but open day or night for you.”
Love isn’t like a pair of flip flops that claims one size fits all. I’ve tried on the wrong size only to be left with painful blisters. Sometimes love is something you struggle to squeeze into because it no longer fits comfortably. Sometimes it’s all false bravado and make believe——it takes trust to be allowed inside another’s world——-Be careful who you share you world with, it may leave you with painful blisters and a bad case of athletes foot—-one size doesn’t fit all. I know this because, I have small feet and a big heart. In all this chaos that makes up a life, finding a true friend is a rare and beautiful thing. Things I wish I’d said,“ ”You and I are a good fit”. “I desire you”. “In this world of 7 billion people, I’d always choose you to be my partner”. ”After all the meanness this world can dish out, you somehow make it worthwhile.”. “When my day has been shitty, you have a way of making me feel better”. You taste like spicy chili on a snowy January night, you’re my comfort food.” “You smell like a July afternoon at the beach, a blend of Sea and Ski suntan lotion and a salty sea breeze—-you’re the sun on my face”. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.” “You make me laugh in a world constructed of bullshit and lost promises”.
There are those who will tell you that you have all the time in the world, but that’s a lie. Time is a Salvador Dali clock slowly sliding off the shelf of your life. But we pretend we are immortals, that we can transcend life and death with a foreverness, but forever is like trying to comprehend a blackhole where at its center time stands still. If I could, I’d pull you in beyond the event horizon and give you a forever kiss. And who say’s “Theoretical Physics” can’t be romantic? When I think of these impossible thoughts for too long, I scare myself. My emotions are like the lone hitchhiker on a dark stretch of a deserted highway. Should I stop and pick this stranger up or just keep moving on? You can never be sure who or what you’re letting in. It might be a stranded depression, a deserted memory, or an abandoned truth. Or, perhaps emotions are more like Jenga? You just never know what will happen by pulling out a single block from the tower of teetering blocks. And, if it all comes down, do I have the time to put it all back together? It takes a lot longer to build something than it is to tear it down. Time is a rogue wave, you never see it coming until its crashed on you and swept you out to sea. Things I wish I’d said, “If you were drowning, I’d dive in and save you.” “I feel better just knowing you are out there”. “Thanks for listening.” “Thanks for making me feel like I belong.” “Lets you and I take a walk in the woods.” “When I was ready to take the ten count——When everyone was screaming for me to just stay down, you gave me the strength to get back up, you are my second wind.”
Attached is a PDF of a play entitled “Love and Death”. I’m looking for help in getting it produced as a play or a screen play. If you are interested in helping in this endeavor please respond to this blog. It’s defiantly an unconventional, quirky and “one of a kind story” that begs to be told.
As always, I’m open to re-writes, additions and omissions. The final product is to be a collaborative effort of the director, actors and the writer.
Rants, Raves and Random Thoughts 