I can’t go back in time so I keep moving. My movement isn’t always forward, sometimes it’s backwards, sometimes in a circle. Movement offers me a false sense of progress. This life seldom dispenses second chances, it offers up lessons. I keep moving, I keep reaching out.
It’s a lonely quest, scavenging through life in search of purpose, love and someone to relate to. To be understood is to be loved. To expect to be understood is “crazy”. If you want to be loved in spite of all your weird idiosyncrasies and foibles, adopt a rescue dog. If you want to be exploited and abused, allow a cat to adopt you…Relationships are built on such subtle differences. Friends will change without telling you, others may ghost you for unknown reasons and some pass away never to be seen again———at least not in this life.
I worry, “Did I let everyone I love know how much I appreciate them in my life (Note to self, tell everyone I appreciate them in my life, excluding those occasional assholes). I fret over the thought that perhaps I never let my parents know how much I respected and loved them. We become so accustom to our parents unconditional love, that it’s easy to take this gift for granted. My parents stuck by me, in-spite all my stupid life decisions. Time goes by quickly, words are free, don’t hold back——let those you care for, know how much you love them.
These days I lack a meaningful connections with others,…….Maybe I could better define this malady as a disassociation syndrome. In other words, so many things no longer fit together—My “Why’s” far out weigh my “How’s”……..The veneer of this thing called reality is wearing thin. Everything seems so unreal and strange to me. I stumble about thinking, “Is this the way things are supposed to be?” “Is this the way I supposed to be?” We all have our own brand of craziness, we just become comfortable by wrapping it in our own private shiny distractions. If you don’t know how the trick is done, then it’s magic——misdirection, sleight of hand, illusion, Love?? Life??
It’s mid October, the season that gives way to the beauty that comes with the death of a fading summer. Leaves turn golden, red and purple before being swept away in the autumn winds. Outside its dark and cold, the sun surrenders its dominion over the sky earlier and earlier, this relieves me of the guilt of fixing myself a drink too early, but as we all know, there’s always an excuse for drinking. I hear the faint fizz of carbonation over ice cubes——my oh my, Jameson and Ginger-ale in my favorite tumbler.
It’s the season of tangled sheets, as ghosts whisper under beds and the hellhounds bay up at an angry moon. I swear I hear the footsteps of shadowy specters moving across the creaking hardwood floor. The doorknob to my closet appears to be slowly turning. I foolishly decide to step deeper into this nocturnal quicksand. There’s something bittersweet about allowing my darker angels to run loose. I flip through my playlists and click on “Sade”. God almighty, her music always takes me there. It’s got that hypnotic groove that’s made for soul searching, lovemaking——it’s drenched in unrepentant sensuality. The beat pulls me into a grinding pocket. I feel like having a cigarette, but I had to give that up over a decade ago, it’s always the hardest thing to give up on something that you know you’ll remorselessly love forever——and she taught me——forever is a long time!
Some woman know they have it from an early age and they carry it with them through old age. She has it, she knows how to use it——-she exudes a steamy erotic energy. It affords her an unfair advantage. “It” has nothing to do with beauty or flash, it’’s in the way her body moves through space, it’s that certain look in her hungry eyes. Her heated body radiates the fragrance of lust. When her hand nonchalantly brushes up against my skin, it’s as if a million volts of electricity convulses through my body. All those other bland pretty girls have no lightening in their soul; they leave no ache in those empty places, no burn in ones darkness.
The prisons and insane asylums are filled with men who’ve let this black magic rule them, clouding their better judgement and making them do the bad things they never thought they were capable of doing. I search through a junk drawer and find a single crippled cigarette, I rip off the bent filter and take a deep drag and then slowly exhale the blue smoke. It hangs in the air, mysteriously taking the shape of a maligned dragon. I feel myself going back on things I swore I’d never do. I scroll through my phone contacts and wonder if her number is still the same. The thought of her warm damp voice invades my nervous system with a shot of adrenaline, causing my hands to tremble. I hesitate with my finger hovering over the green call button. “King Of Sorrow” begins to play on my mix.
You’ve been asking for it, so I’m going to give it to you. Call it Karma, universal reciprocity, poetic justice, what goes around comes around———So, here ya go sucker; you ought to have been more careful with what you asked for, because now you’re getting it! So much, for your dime store prayers.
Look at what you’ve done to one another. You’ve let your anger, hatred and bad intentions rule your actions. You’re extremely adept at finding reasons to justify hurting, wounding, maiming and killing one another. I don’t know if it’s your anger, fear or ignorance that’s made you become so unkind and dispassionate towards one another. Deep down in your psyche you despise those different than you. You’ve turned your world into an “us against them proposition”——simplifying everything down to the self righteous creed, “We’re right—–you’re wrong”. When others think, look, act or believe in things different than you, then you are against them. You’ve defined those from a different country than yours as being “aliens”. Even though it’s just an arbitrary line drawn on a map separating “you” from “them”. You declare, “This is our country not your’s!” If someone worships a different god than you, then you call them a heathen. You define those that speak a different language, or march beneath a different flag, or have a different color skin as being inferior. You demand that they subjugate to your superiority. So much for wars and your prayers for victory over others.
You’re an ungrateful bunch of hooligans. You’ve fouled the air and polluted the oceans, turning your beautiful blue planet into a dying cesspool. The animals I’d given you dominion over you’ve abused and mistreated. It’s no wonder you’ve been evicted from the garden of Eden. So much, for your stewardship over nature.
I’ve watched you drop bombs on each other, gas one another, incinerate one another, slaughter one another, kill each other in senseless and endless wars. In the streets you’ve robbed, raped, beat, shot, strangled, kidnapped and murdered one another. When I created you I had such great hopes for your kind. But your god has become greed, addiction, lust, jealousy, fear, hate, anger, power, materialism, self righteousness and self centeredness. And so much, for breaking my heart.
Turn on your big screen TV’s and watch the the 24 hour news cycle as a pretty newscaster blandly reports that days dose of carnage and cruel brutality. When will it ever end? Insanity has become normalcy. Violence has replaced civility. Power has been substituted for empathy. Complacency and apathy has replaced compassion. Turn your fucking TV off, stop the madness, it’s poisoning your soul.
As I originally said, you’ve been asking for it, so as your creator I’m giving it to you. I’m bestowing upon your crazy ass race of people the Corona Virus. You’ve chosen to put wedges between one another, so I’ll make where you can no longer touch one another without fear of dying. You’ll no longer be able to breathe the same air in the fear that you might become infected. Hand shakes, hugs and togetherness will be outlawed. You’ll need to keep a distance between you and all other humans. Kissing will be banned. Because you’ve chosen angry words and sneers over cooperations and unity, you’ll now be forced to wear a mask to cover your spiteful mouths. Where there once was love there will now be loneliness, where there once was unity there will be solitude and where there once was hope there will only be despair. Between your rage and fear of self and others, there lies opportunity——opportunities to either nudge the human race towards good or evil.
“And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was no longer good. And on the eighth day God shook his head and let out a sigh as he muttered, “Back to the drawing board, back to the drawing board.” And so much, for the human race……..