A Short List Of Amazing and Awesome Things That Are Vastly Overrated

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Everything these days is either awesome or amazing—  Ironically, these two terms themselves are vastly overrated and overused.  The truth is, a lot of the things celebrated in our modern culture as awesome and amazing are at best mediocre. Many of the things that now fill our mental and emotional voids are the same things that diminish our humanity and elevate our gullibility.  Pop culture at first glance appears accepting and liberating, but a closer inspection reveals a culture that defaults to a herd like mentality. This state of clone-ly-ness requires its participants to surrender their individuality in exchange for being uniquely trendy (an intentional oxymoron). To illustrate this point I’ve listed 27 things that are overrated.

  1. Hammocks, They are as comfortable as napping on a tightrope.  Designed more for a cat who lands on its feet rather than a middle aged fat man who is better suited for a stable Lazy-Boy recliner (Disclaimer: You must weigh at least 200 pounds, be over 50 and drowsy and/or drunk to ride this chair).
  2. Cigars, Foul tobacco that smells like rancid rat droppings sprinkled over a burning tire that is then wrapped in rotten seaweed that falls apart in your mouth. Anyone within 100 yards of the smoke will need to burn their clothes because it is impossible to washout the stench.
  3. Partying,  Basically, hanging out with people you don’t know, spending money you don’t have, doing things you won’t remember. The next morning you wake up feeling as stupid as Charlie Sheen (Females may substitute, Lindsay Lohan) and looking as haggard as Keith Richards (Females may substitute Beetle Juice or The Joker) .
  4. Bob Dylan, The only thing worse than his singing voice is his harmonica playing.
  5. Lawns, The process of spending excessive amounts of money and endless hours manicuring a crop that bares no fruit. The only person allowed to walk on it is you, and only when it is being mowed in mid-August when and the thermometer hits triple digits.  Furthermore,  fescue is the one thing your entire family is allergic too, leaving everyone hacking, sneezing and coughing like patients locked away in a TB ward.  Mid September arrives and  you helplessly watch as it turns yellow and goes dormant for the next eight months.
  6. Video Games, No one except your spaz friends, who have no life, give a flip that you’ve reached the 48th level and are now knighted in the game Slayer.  If you’re over fourteen years old and spend the majority of your time living in a virtual world, then you’re a loser! Wake up, leave your bedroom and carpe diem before you end up living in your mothers unfinished basement with a severe case of carpel tunnel syndrome.
  7. Designer Pet Foods, If you are buying dog food that is glutton free or formulated for an animal that is lactose intolerant, then you’re a certified animal kook.  Remember this: a dogs favorite treats include rotten roadkill, cat-shit, puke and garbage.  All that foolish money you’ve wasted on gourmet dog food, would’ve been better spent on meals for starving children in third world countries.
  8. Twenty-Four Hour TV News, Walter Cronkite reported all the daily events that occurred around the world in one hour.  Today misery and mayhem is entertainment, the more grisly the story, the higher the TV ratings.  We incessantly feed our souls a toxic diet of murders, rapes, wars, earthquakes, terrorist plots, bombings, serial killers, corruption, child abuse, kidnapping, famine, mass killings and all things inhumane and horrid.  It’s an industry that breeds fear and apathy while desensitizing us to violence and cruelty.  We’re a culture that grooms its children to accept monsters as normal and consider kindness a weakness.
  9. Award Shows,  Watching famous people congratulate each other, their hairdresser, clothes-designer, publicist, God, and their Mother (Prioritized in that order) for their hard-earned success.
  10. Opera, large girthed men and women screaming (singing) at you in a language you don’t understand, about things you can’t relate to.
  11. Rap music, outlandishly dressed men and women (singing) screaming at you in a language you don’t understand, about things you can’t relate to.
  12. Ballet, Gay men in tights shaking their package in front of bulimic women as they warble about on their toes.
  13. Abstract Art, Shit no one really likes nor understands, but rich people buy for investment purposes and to make them feel cultured.
  14. Things labeled organic, I have one word for that “Tofu”.  I rest my case.
  15. Tattoos, Skin covered in graffiti.  It once was a way that bikers, cons and sailors could assert their stupidity.  But now, it’s a way middle class people can assert their stupidity.  Something is just plain wrong about hordes of people going to a chic tattoo parlor and allowing an “ex-con” looking dude to permanently scrawl drawings on their body. Common themes, snakes, skulls, butterflies and the names of people whom in the future you will no longer love (You can pawn a wedding ring, but a tattoo is truly a lifetime commitment!).
  16. Micro brews,  Over priced beers with fancy labels and clever names that taste like cat piss.
  17. Classic Rock Radio Stations  I have no need to hear songs like “Give me Three Steps” “Play That Funky Music White Boy” or any of the KC and the Sunshine song catalogue ever, ever, ever again!  Its Lawrence Welk for baby boomers.
  18. Drug Commercials, I don’t want to hear an announcer in a calm reassuring voice itemize the side effects of their prescription drugs e.g. “anal leakage”, “suicidal tendencies”,  “erections lasting longer than four hours” (with my daughter in the same room) “rashes”, irritability” and “fits of insanity brought on by false promises of miracle cures from snake oil”.
  19. Insurance Commercials, Any company that uses a duck, lizard, pig or a dingbat named Flow to promote their product cannot be taken seriously or trusted.
  20. The salaries of pro athletes, movie stars and musicians.  They are spoiled assholes that are overpaid and overrated.
  21. Shows about rich people’s problems,  Talk shows dedicated to mindless discussions regarding the hardships of famous people, including such intriguing topics as, addictions, eating disorders, troubled relationships, arrests, rehab treatments, diets, sex lives, political views and spiritual advice etc….  Please see #19 . I DON’T FREAKIN CARE!
  22. The virtues of Social Networking.  The statistical breakdown of internet usage, 60% porn, 8% Facebook postings detailing crap about people’s lives you don’t give a rats ass about, 5% buying crap you don’t need, 5% selling you crap you don’t need, 5% illegally down loading songs and movies, 5% spam, 5% betting on sports, 2% playing Sudoku when you should be working, 2% research, 2% education, 1% advancing the betterment of mankind.
  23. Reality TV  Those two words are an oxymoron.  SORRY, BUT TV IS NOT REALITY!!!
  24. TV, Brief moments of shitty commercials interrupted by briefer moments of shitty-er programing.
  25. Super Churches,  Rock star preachers with big goofy smiles wearing way to much hair gel selling their books, tapes and DVD’s extolling the virtues of giving and servanthood—-tax free.  In God we trust, but if he wants to purchase a “Sharing is Caring” T shirt, he too must provide two forms of ID and have a valid credit card.   His out-of-state check will not be accepted—-City“Heaven”Address“Cloud Nine”State“Of Grace” (Yeah right).  Act now, operators and soul scalpers are standing by!
  26. Medical marijuana dispensaries. Marijuana will relieve pain, but so does Jack Daniels.  What do you call a whiskey medical treatment dispensary?  An all night liquor store.
  27. Starbucks, Where else can you spend $4.00 for a bitter coffee after waiting in line for thirty minutes with a bunch of snobs while listening to soulless smooth jazz.  And then having a seat in their pretentious bistro among all the WI FI wired patrons as they silently interact with their iPhones, laptops and other electronic gadgets.

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